Roaring Through My Twenties

Like most people in the world right now, I have spent the last couple of days reflecting and reminiscing on this last year. Usually these reflections and resolutions are written in my journal for my review only. However, since starting this blog I have maintained and even created some virtual-connections with family, friends, and colleagues. And in doing so, I thought there was no better way to end the year than to post a semi-cringe, from-the-bottom-of-my-heart Year in Review. 

This year I learned….

1) That nothing is ever that serious

Really. This year I had to make one of the biggest decisions in my life so far. Included in making this decision meant moving across the world alone, leaving my family and friends behind for an extended period of time, and starting an exciting (and somewhat intimidating) research project. All of which I suspected at the time (and can confirm now!) would have a major impact on the trajectory of my life, career, and character. Despite the apparent “weight” of that decision, it was still the easiest decision I had ever made. 

Most people measure the “weight” of a decision by how impactful the outcome is. How much will this choice change your life for the better or worse, how many things and/or people will effect, etc. 

It’s funny to me because some days having to make smaller, less impactful decisions quite literally paralyzes me. The weight of having to choose which task to do first on my to-do list feels just as heavy as making the choice to move across the world. While one choice’s outcome would simply result in one single completed task, the other would send me onto a completely different life path…right? 

…I don’t know. And because of the silliness of it all I have officially decided nothing is ever that serious. The choices I make day-to-day will impact me in the same way that one big, once-in-a-lifetime choice will. Dwelling on the choices I have made is useless and I will never know if my life would be better or worse had I made a different choice. All I know now is that because of the choice I made to come to India, and all the choices I have made in between, I have been able to do and feel things I haven’t before. I have been able to explore culture in a deeper and more sincere way. I have met new friends and have been reintroduced to old ones. I have been able to do something that I love while setting the foundation to do it for the rest of my life. I have had the opportunity to not only live but to feel fulfilled while doing it.

2) How to be curious, brave, and scared all at once

Three emotions to sum up 2023: Curious, scared, and brave. 

I have always believed that feeling too comfortable in life hinders your ability to grow as a person. This year, I spent a lot of time honoring this belief.

Some of the most valuable experiences I have had were ones that were really scary to me at first, but that I did because I was curious. Taking a classical South Indian dance class with pretty much no dance background, eating mutton for the first time (yes this one is so silly, but I have done a lot of healing through food this year too), taking the train in India on my own, and even just asking for help when I need it.  

I can get through these experiences now because I have shifted my general perspective on life. The last couple of months the mantra “the hardest part is over” has become my pillar of strength. After I do anything and everything, I repeat that mantra. I presented my research to a room full of people – the hardest part is over. I went to the grocery store today – the hardest part is over. Sure, it’s really silly. But it’s one of the ways I have been able to trick myself into feeling brave. And in turn, it’s actually made me feel empowered. After a while, you realize that you are brave because of how many hard things you have accomplished. And eventually, all the hard things can be completed with ease. 

Doing new things is scary and hard especially for someone like me who is 1) super Type-A, 2) loves routine, and 3) hates being bad at things. I have worked a lot on myself this year to learn how to appreciate and welcome the new things in life. It really truly has become all about perspective for me. This idea of “I don’t want to start all over” vs. “I get to start all over” has changed my attitude about everything. I don’t have to do anything, but there’s so much that I get to do. I should feel grateful, not scared. 

3) Just how painful goodbyes are

If I had to award a “most consistent” to the moments of my life this year, it would definitely be all the difficult goodbyes. 

It wasn’t only saying goodbye to people that was difficult for me, but also goodbye to phases of my life that I learned so much from. 

Earlier this year, I was living in an apartment in Albany with my sister. I was close to all of my friends. I was working a job with a group of kids and families that I really liked (and learned a lot from…). I loved this phase of my life for its simplicity and its proximity to all the people and things I loved. When I left my job and moved out of that apartment, I had to face the brutal reality that nothing lasts forever. I had to say goodbye to my sister and I’s weekly ritual of visiting our favorite restaurant to eat my favorite meal (hotdogs), goodbye to the impromptu visits to my friend’s place, and goodbye to my job and the kids that I have watched grow up over the years (hm, maybe that got too anecdotal…?).

But, without saying those goodbyes, I would have never had the experiences that I do right now. My goodbyes led me to a phase in life where I have started to become a more wise, independent, empathetic person. 

My point is that while yes, nothing lasts forever and goodbyes are really hard, moving onto the next phase of your life could bring just as much comfort, love, and life-lessons as the one before. 

I won’t even get into the details of the goodbyes I gave before leaving the US. All I know is that I am so lucky to have so many people who make leaving so hard. 

And maybe to some my leaving and saying goodbye was thought of as selfish. But I will never let a hard goodbye get in the way of doing what I want or need to do. This is something that will follow me into the new year. 

I know that more goodbyes are awaiting me in 2024.

4) That being loved and loving others keeps me alive

YUCK. I know how sappy that sounds. But I have to admit that a lot of my personal and professional successes this year has been the result of an abundance of love. Really. Without the love I received and also the love I gave to and from family and friends, I don’t think I would be the person that I am right now.

It is the love I have for everyday experiences, places, and people. Love is the phone calls that have somehow persisted despite the crazy time difference. Love is frequenting the same market just because the workers there make me smile. Love is listening to the same song over and over again because it reminds me of my friends back home. Love is what my family and friends, near and far, have given me in order to make it through everyday. To love and to be loved is to be changed. I am lucky to feel like I am changing everyday.

5) I am way more capable than I thought

I’m here, aren’t I?

(This is seriously all I have for this section. I just wanted to emphasize it again).

Life is always moving and I am going to enjoy it

And so, I have spent the last year learning and growing…and learning some more…and growing again. Through it all, and despite welcoming all of this change with open arms, I have not been able to avoid the growing pains that have come along with it all.

It’s one thing to know I’ve changed in so many ways. It’s a whole other thing to be able to articulate the way it makes me feel. I guess at the end of the day I am simply just a 20-something-year-old girl who is stumbling her way through life and periodically learning something from it. 

And, to follow these end of the year reflections, my new year’s resolution is quite digestible (and hopefully just as achievable): Do the scary thing. And do it with love…and bravery and honesty and curiosity…and then do it again and again and again…

Disclaimer: This blog is not an official site of the Fulbright Program or the U.S. Department of State.  The views expressed on this site are entirely those of its author and do not represent the views of the Fulbright Program, the U.S. Department of State, or any of its partner organizations.