Roaring Through My Twenties

“Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it” (Infinite Jest, DFW). 

That’s so me. 

No, seriously. That’s. so. me. 

As you can imagine, I engaged in a lot of reflection as the New Year approached. I spent a lot of time (and I mean a lot) feeling like what I had accomplished in 2024 was monumental. I grieved the end of something that I felt like I was never going to experience again and left claw marks on every experience that I’ve had to let go of when it came time to shift my focus and direction. 

Sure, moving from one phase to the next is exactly how life works. So why is it so hard for me to let go?

I’ve racked my brain trying to find the answer to this question, searching for the universal truth that would help me overcome the biggest obstacle I have always and probably will continue to face. I think, at least for now, the answer is: I’m still just learning. How to live and reflect, grieve and move on, accept and love everything I am right now without comparing myself to a version me that existed months ago. 

I don’t have to be anything, but I get to be here! I might as well enjoy it.

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It’s taken you this long to get your thoughts down? And this is all you’ve got to say? Yes. And no. 

A part of all of this is recognizing how lucky I am to have experiences that are so hard to let go of. I feel even luckier to have shared them with the people I love. And to say, I think it’s about balance of it all; I can learn a lot from reminiscing and reflecting on all the eras that came before this one and love them for the ways they have molded me into all the things I am now and who I will soon be. I am very excited by where I have landed and quite optimistic for what’s next for me. 

So yes, no more claw marks in 2025. This year we’re practicing a healthy balance between living presently and lovingly (not longingly) reflecting on the past. I do think that the resolution I set last year gets a lot of credit for shaping ‘current me’ as well. So, with that, I’m giving it my all again this year to do the scary thing – and to do it with love, bravery, honesty and curiosity…again and again and again…

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Footnote: Where has she been? It turns out that while being a full-time grad student working full-time has its rewards, it’s also incredibly challenging. As I go through the motions of this very busy, educational, and fulfilling era of my life I find myself coming back to many of these blog drafts. I had.. have…big, wonderful plans for this blog in the New Year. I’m getting around to it – I swear. As infrequent as they may be, abandoning this blog and its small collection of readers is not something I ever plan to do.

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